When She's Angry, Here's What She Really Wants from You
Now I understand why men are expected to fix everything: that broken shelf, the car, the computer... the list goes on and on. Women, on the other hand, adore you for it.
It's sweltering when a man prefers to fix the oven himself rather than calling for help.
However, there is one crucial point in your relationship when your girl does not want you to solve it. Attempting to correct it will just make things worse.
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Have you ever had a lady in your life tell you about an issue, then become enraged and furious with you because you tried to help her?
Doesn't make any sense, does it?
But here's the truth: what your lady REALLY wants from you when she's unhappy and telling you about a problem is your ACTIVE LISTENING and SUPPORT, not your advise on how to cure it.
Huh? But, if she's telling me about a problem, shouldn't she also want to know how to solve it?
Sure, she wants to solve the issue. And she's undoubtedly got a good notion how to go about it. But she isn't thinking about correcting it right now. First and foremost, she must address the EMOTION that has arisen as a result of this dilemma.
Her bad feelings are the issue right now.
For instance, the rage she feels after being passed up for a job advancement.
After a disagreement with her best buddy, she's in a lot of pain.
How worried she is about a major presentation she needs to give.
What she really wants is to be able to express and understand her feelings. She can only move on to finding a realistic solution to the situation when she has dealt with her emotions.
If you try to give her advise, this is how she feels:
When you step in and tell her what she has to do to remedy it (no matter how well-intentioned), she gets the impression that you aren't paying attention to what she's trying to say.
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Because you are missing the point, she is enraged and upset.
How worried she is about a major presentation she needs to give.
What she really wants is to be able to express and understand her feelings. She can only move on to finding a realistic solution to the situation when she has dealt with her emotions.
When you try to give her advise, this is how she feels:
When you step in and tell her what she has to do to remedy it (no matter how well-intentioned), she gets the impression that you aren't paying attention to what she's trying to say.
Because you are missing the point, she is enraged and upset.
You're attempting to advise her how to repair it, while she's trying to express her emotions to you.
She becomes enraged and irritated because you act as if she can't handle the situation on her own.
Wow. Can you see why she's pulling out her claws now?
What it's like for her if you simply listen and encourage her:
Listening to her without instructing her what to do empowers her because she is still in charge of the issue.
She feels heard, cherished, and cared for when you simply pay attention and listen, which creates sentiments of connection toward you.
It's understandable if you feel like you're not really contributing, but it's also understandable if you don't feel like you are. However, keep in mind that by not attempting to solve anything, you are actually assisting her the most.
HOW TO LISTEN AND SUPPORT EFFECTIVELY
If you're a guy who has always addressed situations with a practical, fix-it attitude, taking a step back and simply listening rather than offering a solution could be difficult.
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It may make you feel ineffective because you don't feel like you're helping, or frustrated since her problem appears to have a simple solution.
But the key is to keep in mind that the issue is with her EMOTIONS.
So, let's go over how you can now listen to and attend to these feelings in a way you've never done before.
1. Give your full attention to your date, girlfriend, or wife when she comes to you with a problem. Make eye contact and maintain it, sit next to each other if possible, and attempt to filter out any distractions.
2. Allow her to say everything she wants to say – if necessary, allow a brief pause to ensure she has finished. At all costs, resist rushing in too soon and cutting her off.
3. As she speaks, pay attention to not only the problem she's having, but also her feelings about it.
Remember one of our previous examples: "I'm furious that they chose Sandra for a promotion at work over me."
The PROBLEM here is that she has been passed over for a promotion, but her FEELING is rage.
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4. Mirroring her emotions back to her is the most effective way of making her feel heard and supported.
"I can see how that made you really angry," for example.
"I'm sorry you were injured, darling."
5. Make use of your hands! Even if she appears agitated, she really needs your contact right now.
Hugging her, putting an arm around her shoulder, wrapping your arms around her from behind, kissing her on the forehead, or holding her hand will all help to soothe her emotions and make her feel truly loved and supported.
6. After you've comforted her and worked through her feelings, you might be able to work out a solution together. But make sure she initiates it - she might or might not want to do it.
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What if she asks for my opinion?
If she asks for your opinion or advise directly, assist her in finding her own answer. Even if she did so with your support, she will feel better about herself if she feels she was able to come up with a solution.
At the very least, instead of blasting her with 'Do this,' be gentle and deliberate about how you come across while providing your suggestions. "Hmm... do you think it might help if (put in your suggestion here)?" you can inquire inquisitively.
This way, you're making a proposal while still requesting her feedback, allowing her to maintain control.
As a result, guys, resist the temptation to repair.
Remember this basic rule: Pay more attention to what she's saying about her FEELINGS rather than the PROBLEM.
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Also, get ready to be the best boyfriend on the planet.
